So tonight my friend Jon told me that I’m very hard to read. But he said he’s gotten a lot of insight into my personality by reading my blog. So I thought maybe I need to go back and read my own blogs and really see what I’ve been saying all this time…and when I got home, that’s exactly what I did.
After Jon pointed it out, I did notice that the frequency of my writing about singleness and relationships has changed throughout the past two years. It’s quite interesting to see how my attitudes have changed (or in some cases not changed) with the passage of time. Which led me to go back to some other writings I had done some time ago. As some of you may know, I am working on writing a book called "Convergence," which is a collection of some of my journal writings on certain topics during my B.C. (Before Christ) days and contrasting them with my current thoughts on those same topics now that I am a Christian. I think I’ve got all the chapters together that I want to include, so now I’m just going through and trying to organize all of them, and I also have some more chapters to fill in. At any rate, I was flipping through the manuscript a couple days ago and came across this excerpt from an old B.C. journal entry. I included it in my "Convergence" book in the chapter on Love. So this is what I thought about love in 1995:
Does true love exist? I’m beginning to wonder. I’ve been around for almost 20 years and I can honestly say I’ve never been IN love. I’ve loved someone, but he didn’t love me the same way.
What’s wrong with me? Nothing as far as I can see. I don’t think I’m ugly or anything, I’m smart, I’m funny. I am a little on the shy side, but so are a lot of people I know. So why can’t I at least find one love. They say “It’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.” I’ve never been loved. So I wouldn’t know.
Why is there always something wrong with the men I take interest in? They either already have girlfriends, or they’re just jackasses….
I’m actually thankful for the opportunity to write this blog. I think it’s become quite therapeutic for me in many ways because I can see what God is up to in my life in so many areas. I’ve come to look forward to this time of my day so that I can sit in solitude and just reflect, get my thoughts and feelings together and write them out. So the question for myself tonight is, after 12 years, do I still wonder whether or not true love exists? Sometimes I do still wonder. I think deep down inside I believe it does somewhere. But I have to make sure that those old ways of thinking don’t block me from exploring the possibilities of the present. One thing I know for sure about love that’s different now than it was in 1995. No matter what, I know without a shadow of a doubt that true love from the Father exists and trust Him is all I can do for anything beyond that…