I have a confession to make. I’m about to get real transparent with all you Convergence readers so I hope you can handle it.
I am really struggling with my faith.
Has anybody ever felt this way before? I mean, the more I walk this walk I wonder what is it all for? Let me rephrase that. It’s not even so much that I doubt God. I’m just really getting sick and tired of the religion that’s been handed down through church. What really matters? As Christians we focus on so many things as a gauge as to whether a person is “holy” or not–drinking, homosexuality, pre-marital sex, cursing, tatooing, secular music, blah blah blah. The list goes on and on. But it’s interesting to me that Jesus never really talked about ANY of those things! The LAW talked about them but Jesus said he came to fulfill the law and that meant we are to love God and love our neighbor. Period. And yes, the Bible says not to do those things that I just mentioned but it also says for women to cover their heads, it also says for men to not shave their beards, it also says we’re actually supposed to give 19% of our income (not 10% like we always preach). All of these things we don’t do! Jesus also said we’re supposed to go out, take care of the poor, the widows, the orphans, the prostitutes, the tax collectors and a lot of churches don’t really do that. Instead we focus on conferences and shows and ministries that are all in-house and require people to come to us. It’s like the church is one big contradiction. I just don’t get it. So yeah, as far as that goes, I’m confused and I’m struggling with understanding those issues. And to me that doesn’t really have to do with God, that’s just my issues with church teaching. And just as a sidebar, that’s one of the things I love about Buckhead Church is that we don’t really have a whole lot of ministries for people to be in throughout the week. We’re called to BE the church in our daily lives. And we can’t do that if we’re always sitting in church at a conference or at a ministry meeting.
And then sometimes I don’t get God either. I was reading the story of Abraham sacrificing his son the other day. And I just couldn’t understand why God would do that? Why would he test him like that? Especially when he knows everything and knew Abraham’s heart and would follow through? Why does God sometimes choose not to act on his omnipotence? I remember one of the biggest times in my life when I struggled with this. It was when 9/11 happened. I get the fact that we live in a fallen world and there is nothing good in the hearts of man and so therefore sometimes people do evil things like fly plans into buildings. I get that. But what got me was that there was a MAJOR cleanup and rescue mission in the days and weeks following the attack. I remember watching the news, I think it was on the third day, and it started raining. So the rescue workers got frustrated because they couldn’t do any work that night because of the rain. I got so frustrated with God that night because I couldn’t understand why he would allow it to rain when people were trying to do something good and save people’s lives that might still be trapped in the rubble. He had the power to not make it rain, so why did he?
These are just questions that I have and I’m just venting right now. I just started reading a book called “The Idea of God.” It’s one of
those ancient philosophic/apologetics books and so far it seems like it
might address some of those questions. I’ve also got some C.S. Lewis
books on my shelf that I still need to tackle. He’s like one of my
favorite authors because he really delves into the core of our beliefs as Christians.
So this might be a good time for me to get into some apologetics. My small group ended a few months ago and I think I desperately need to find a new one.
And I KNOW God has a plan. And I KNOW all things work together for good. And I KNOW it’ll all make sense when we get to heaven. But Why, God? Why?
Has anybody else ever felt this way or am I alone in this?