It's 8:44 pm on a Saturday and all of a sudden I'm filled with lots of anxiety, sadness, frustration and angst. All because:
1) I didn't get to spend any time with Jon today. He made a surprise visit for one hour last night and then I had to kick him out so that I could get back to editing. But I did that because I thought he was going to come back over today. But today he had to get some work done so he didn't come over. So now I am extremely frustrated. Not because he had to work but because I just wanted to see him again. Even though it feels like it's been almost two weeks since I've seen him, I almost wish he hadn't come over last night. We had already said we would hang out on Monday and I think I would have preferred to hang with him for a longer period of time rather than have that tease from last night.
2) I feel like I suck at balancing between having a boyfriend and having a roommate who is my best friend. It's like whenever Jon comes around I always feel like I have to choose between the two and I don't like that. What I wouldn't give for the three of us to all be able to hang out together. Khalilah is my girl, she's been there long before Jon ever entered the picture and I never want her to feel exed out. And I love Jon in a weird kind of way that I have never really loved a guy before. It's not that they don't get along or anything. We've had a couple of nice moments with the three of us. But I guess they're both still treading the waters of how to react to one another and neither wants to step on the other's toes or get in the way. So in the meantime I feel like I'm stuck in the middle, trying to wedge a gap and it causes me lots of anxiety anytime I am faced with the situation.
3) I feel like I need to apologize to Khalilah for hanging out with Jon last night and I'm not even sure if she is upset. And waiting for her to come home from work so I can find out is causing me angst.
4) I'm kicking myself for not going to GroupLink tonight. I've been toiling for the longest time about whether or not to go. As much as I've ranted and raved about the value of small groups (which I still believe in), I must say that I have also valued the free time I've had during the weeknights since my old group has split. Since I teach two, sometimes three nights a week, it's nice to have an extra night to just come home, kick back and relax. At the same time, I realize that I could definitely benefit from being in a small group right now. But when I came home from my meeting with Paula and Shandra today I decided instead to finish washing clothes and make some quesadillas. I just wanted to come home and be a couch potato. I didn't feel like making the effort of being "on" tonight and meeting new people. But I'm sure the benefits of going would have been well worth the effort.
5) I can't decide what to eat for desert and this is causing me some angst. I need to eat up this banana pudding I made the other night. But then there's also birthday cake ice cream…
6) I'm getting sick of watching everybody on all the news stations talking about Joe Biden. But I can't seem to turn away to another station.
7) I finally did turn away and realized I missed the first half hour of the Making the Band rerun.
8) Andy's starting a new series tomorrow, but if I want to hear it I'm going to have to go to one of the early services because Khalilah and I are going to see "For Colored Girls…" at the 14th St. Playhouse tomorrow night. So that means I will have to get up early in the morning if I'm going to make it.
My stomach is literally churning in knots right now because of all these issues. I hope I'll be able to sleep tonight.