Random Thoughts on a Monday Night #2

16 09 2008

Sigh. Well it's another one of those nights where I have everything and nothing to say.

Today was a great day. Very busy. Khalilah and I walked to Goldberg's and had breakfast while we chopped it up about a book idea we've been stewing over for quite some time. It felt good because we got some exercise done for today and we had a productive meeting. After that we walked back to the house and then took my car to the shop (brakes). Then Jon came and picked me up and we went to go see Hancock at the dollar movie theater. We both actually liked the film, despite some of the reviews I've heard from other people. I loved the fact that it was a different take on the whole superhero theme–a superhero that nobody likes. Pretty cool. And it was surprisingly funny too. I loved the character development, especially in the beginning. I did begin to get a bit confused by the end, though. Brother/sister, Husband/wife–huh? Those of you that saw it know what I'm talking about. A little weird, but overall I thought it was a good movie.

After that Khalilah and I went to a gospel choir concert at Philips Arena. We were both a little apprehensive about going since it's been a loooonng time since we've been to something like that. It's been a long time since we've listened to gospel music and been in that type of environment. I think the both of us are still a little bit cynical, a bit scorned, a bit bitter about the whole "church" scene and culture. But it ended up being a little fun. At least we heard some good music.

I came home feeling like I really wished Jon were here when I got home. Just to have him here, to talk to him, to cuddle up next to him and watch TV with him. Sigh again. This relationship thing is something else. I had really gotten to a point where I NEVER thought I'd be feeling this way. I mean, I was really just fine being single. And I still am. To a degree. I just want to be with him more and more. I don't know. I'm crazy.

I'm going through another one of those artist crises, where it just feels like I suck as an artist, like I have nothing to give, nothing to offer the world. I know that's nothing but a lie, but that's how I feel sometimes. And I really have to pray to fight those feelings. Jon gave me some really encouraging words the other day that I've been chewing on the past couple days. It's just that things seem so uncertain right now with my job that I feel like I need to go back to making things happen on my own. But I'm so afraid.

I remember once reading this book called "Why You Act the Way You Do" by Tim LaHaye. It was a great book about personality temperments. I learned from that book that I have a MelPhleg temperment. That means I'm part melancholy and part phlegmatic. Both of those temperments are very introverted and also very artistic. The melancholy, in particular, is usually very artistic but at the same time they are usually the most prone to depression, worry, and fear. I read that book a long time ago but one thing that I always remember is how it said that often with melancholies, once they've completed a major project or a major masterpiece, they go through a period of extreme self-doubt and self-criticism where they just fall into this rut of feeling like their work is just not good enough. I've noticed that about myself. I finished Sophisticated Romance a long time ago but it's finishing up it's festival run and now it's time for me to work on something new. But I feel so afraid. So inadequate. But I KNOW I've got the chops to do it again. It's just trying to convince myself and my conscience of that.

Well anyway. I think I've rambled enough for a Monday night. It's time for me to finish preparing for class tomorrow. It's Week 9 at school already! Next week is finals. I'm looking forward to the break.




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