Putting the Pieces of My Faith Back Together Again

1 03 2009

When I talk to many of my Christian friends, we all tend to lament over those days that we've admirably coined "Our Thunder Christian Days." Those were the days when we were so excited for God, which is a good thing, but we let that excitement cause us to belittle other people who we didn't feel were on the same "level" as us. Or the days when everything in life was considered a sin. The times when it was a sin to listen to secular music, it was a sin to have a glass of wine, it was a sin to go out dancing, it was almost a sin to wear jeans to church on Sunday, etc…etc…

When I look back on those times now, some of it seems kinda silly. But at the same time I look back fondly on that kind of excitement and passion that I had for something happening in my life. That was a time in my life where nothing else mattered except praising God. I didn't really care too much about money or material things, I just assumed God would take care of those needs. My main focus was the kingdom and seeing people (particularly young people) take joy in the Savior that I had found.

I've realized lately that that kind of passion is missing in my life now. And it's not so much because I've become more of a "liberal" Christian who actually read the Bible and discovered that many of the things that the CHURCH says are wrong are not necessarily backed up by biblical text. (I've discovered that it's ok to be a Christian and still LIVE LIFE). But I realized that a large part of it came from a theology that I embraced that replaced my worship of God with my worship of me. At some point, my relationship with the Father turned into a relationship with things He was going to bless me with. My prayers became less "God, save the souls of man" and more of "God, bless MY business," and "God, enlarge MY territory," and "God, give ME money." All in all, it was all about God, bless ME, ME, ME.

I feel like I lost my relationship with God for those few years of my life. Almost as though for those few years my Christianity turned into an imposter. And that angers me even more than my "Thunder Christian Days"…

I knew that I was dealing with this since I first moved to Atlanta. After awhile I got tired of running around throwing money on the altar talking about "It's my season!" and "It's my time for a breakthrough!" I got tired of the blessings slogans and began to wonder how come my church talked a lot about being blessed and about achieving success and being placed before great men, but little talk about feeding the poor and caring for the least of these, which is the kind of stuff Jesus talked about. I struggled with this my first few years here and had lots of questions, which is how I eventually found Buckhead Church. Their Starting Point Ministry was a safe place for me to process those questions.

But I'm starting to see now that the theology is something that still bothers me. It still affects me. 4-5 years later, I still get angry when I hear certain terminology that is used in those circles. I still get angry when I hear about the claims of certain televangelists. And I'm not sure if this is a righteous anger that God is going to use in some way? Or is it something I just need to get over? I feel like I'm having to put the pieces of my faith and what I believe in, what I'm passionate about back together again. I'm trying to figure out what my theology is now, and at the same time, longing for the passion (but not the judgement) that I once had during my "Thunder Christian Days", the days when nothing else mattered…

And I know that there are scriptures that talk about blessings and enlarging territories and all that, but where's the balance?? Where did this theology come from????

I hope somebody out there feels me on this. I don't have answers but maybe we can process it together. God, help me with my anger. But I feel robbed.




One response

9 03 2009

I relate to this 100%, and have been spending the last 2 years in the same kind of struggle, asking myself and others the same sorts of questions. Don’t have time to write much but just wanted to let you know you’re not alone on this.

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