Yesterday’s lab was pretty amazing. We started out by listing our character traits and then listing which one of our character traits are in tension with one another. For example, I am a dreamer and I’m hopeful, but I’m also fearful and doubtful. I’m very goal-oriented but I’m also a procrastinator. Last night our assignment was to write down our top 10 desires. I didn’t expect that exercise to be that difficult or that painful for me but it was. It was painful because I realized that I have some desires that I may have given up hope for. Some desires I expected God to have met by now, and quite frankly the fact that he hasn’t leaves me to wonder if they’ll ever be met. Wondering if maybe I’ve done something to prevent them from being met. In the event of full disclosure, I’ll go ahead and share my desires with you all:
- • I want to get through this assignment without crying.
- • I want to be held.
- • I want to forget what’s it like to be held.
- • I want my relationship with God to be like it used to be.
- • I want to be a full-time filmmaker and a part-time teacher, instead of the other way around.
- • I want $1 million to make my film Something Worth Waiting For.
- • I want to travel around with my film SWWF and talk REAL TALK with women about the joys and pains of singleness
- • I want to bring my students with me on a shoot.
- • I want be a better aunt.
- • I want to stop teaching COM 1109.
From there, we took our character traits and then took our top 5 desires and created a story idea based around our character tensions and our desires. It was a really cool exercise because on a practical level, I came away with 5 new script ideas which were kinda cool and had some pretty good character dimension.
But what the exercise also helped me do was to just take a look at my innermost yearnings and deal with those. I think deep down inside I often doubt this whole filmmaking thing. Like I doubt that I have what it takes, I doubt that God’ll really do it…
But this exercise helped me to see that this filmmaking thing is something that is burned inside of me. It’s something bigger than me. While we were waiting for one of the sessions to start, this lady turned to me and said that she feels like there is this power, this fighter inside of me that needs to get out. She kept saying that people need what I have…and she’s not the first person to tell me those SAME EXACT WORDS…I do believe that I have a voice. And I believe that it’s nothing but the enemy trying to suppress that and make me doubt…
Lord, re-ignite that fire within me to create, to fight, to dream again…