Writing the Vision…

27 05 2012

Ever since I was a little girl I have always been into journaling. Well, back then I didn’t call it journaling, it was called writing in my diary. As I got older it just took on a more sophisticated name. And as I became a Christian, this time of writing and reflection transformed from simply writing about the mundane activities of my day into writing prayers and petitions before God. I keep all of my diaries/journals–from 4th grade all the way to the present. Every now and then I go back and read them and I’m always amazed at how God has been molding me and shaping me through so many years. This morning I took a moment and read through three of my old journals and was humbled to observe two things:

1) I need to give myself more credit. I’m not as flighty as I sometimes think I am. When I compare myself to other people my age, sometimes I feel as though I’m not stable enough because I haven’t settled down to have the house and family and nice car. Since I’ve graduated from film school I haven’t lived anywhere for longer than 5 years. But as I look back through my old journals I realize that I am on a mission. This is not something that I just made up yesterday. Even going to seminary is not something that I just thought would be a good idea. I have had the idea for a film ministry for a long, long, time. I have written proof of that. And what’s amazing to me is that the vision has been consistent. I realized that I’m a big list person–especially when it comes to identifying goals and dreams. I used to make goals lists, sometimes 2, 3, 4 times a year. I have made so many lists over the years about what I would like to see happen in the arts, and the list is pretty consistent every time, year after year. This gives me confidence that I am not crazy. My path in life may look a little from others, but reading those entries reminds me that God has planted something in me, and I don’t think I’ll be able to rest until I see it come to pass.

2) I used to be a lot more fearless in my younger days. Not that I’m adverse to taking risks (i.e. leaving my job to move clear across the country to pursue a degree that really makes no sense to the average person), but reading my old journals I saw how many times in the past I started taking steps toward my goals–whether I had help or not. For whatever reason, each effort eventually fizzled out, but that never hindered me from starting again. What happened to that girl? Life happened, I guess. Once I started working and the bills started coming in,  making a living became the number one priority in my life. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But for me, I began to lose sight of the goal. Praise God, during this season of my life I am an intelligent, single woman, which affords me the opportunity to keep pressing toward the goal until God says otherwise. I want that fearlessness, that hunger back. I think all too often I find myself waiting…waiting for the right people to come along, waiting for the right project to come along…when maybe I just need to act and do, just like I did many years ago.

It’s such a blessing to go back at old journals and to see how God has answered prayers throughout the years. It’s times like this that I’m so thankful for the written word–not just God’s but even my very own…

“And the Lord answered me: ‘Write the vision; make it plain on tablets, so he may run who reads it.'” (Habakkuk 2:2)

“I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” (Philipians 3:14)

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